Hard Times for Jeeves

I had read about this a while ago, and kind of noticed the disappearance of Jeeves, the wonderful butler that scoured the internets looking for answers to questions on Ask.com. But, alas, Ask.com is throwing Jeeves out on the street. Reportedly, they want to be taken as seriously as Google. But, come on, who wasn't taking Jeeves seriously. I once asked Jeeves what a certain four letter word meant, and he dragged me by the ear into the pool room, shoved my head under the water for what seemed to be a good 5 minutes, yanked it back, held a knife to my throat, and yelled, "You don't fucking need to know, got it?" I took him seriously. He killed my parents. It has been reported that since Jeeves heard the news, he refuses to answer anymore questions, but simply parses through the wasteland of the internets looking for porn and purchasing alcohol.

Ask.com is interviewing new electronic icons to replace Jeeves; right now they've lined up a carrier pigeon, an overweight postal delivery person, one of the guys from the DHL commercials (I vote for the one who removed his shoes in the library), and Hermes.

2 people + 2 lanes + beer =

You finish the equation; it's not that hard.

In an unprecedented act of rebellion, the other bitches Craig and Cigs didn’t show up to bowling; they left it up to Sam and me to drink all the beer and run frantically between two lanes to finish as many games as possible. So, we had the quantity down; we were just missing the quality. Actually, we didn’t do too badly, all things considered. I had the high game of 176, had a few 150s, 140s, and one 160 game. Sam was all over the place, bowling shit games next to decent games and for the first time in his life (I think), he was throwing left all night. Weird.

BBH went fine. We played the South, which, somehow, was the first time I had played it. It has insane bonus rounds and even harder normal rounds. I ended up winning.

PS: Don’t buy a Lemon Drop shot from the Mermaid’s bar...they’re just so damn sweet and disgusting.

A big day in history

Today is a big day in history. This day, February 26, marks the birth and death of 2 of the greatest men to ever live.
Johnny Cash was born on this day in 1932 and Bill Hicks passed from this earth in 1994.
Take a few minutes out of your week to spend some extra time listening to these guys.

"She walks these hills in a long black veil
She visits my grave when the night winds wail
Nobody knows, nobody sees
Nobody knows but me"
-Cash

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride... And we... kill those people."
-Hicks


Also I found a Fight Club trailer turning it into a romantic comedy. Its pretty good. The voice over is awful and almost ruins the whole thing, but apart from that its worth watching.

Snakes on a Plane!!!

There's a rather interesting article up at Wired about A Scanner Darkly and Linklater's difficulty in making it. It a bit long (3 pages really isn't that long), but it's worth reading.

In Snakes on a Plane news, apparently Samuel L. Jackson signed onto the project without reading the script. All he had seen was the title. I can't say I disagree with him.

Ad companies are finally going to truly subliminal messaging in commercials. Fantastic.

TTL for S! or Thank The Lord for Spamalot!

Bowling last night will have to wait a second, first I must type with joy about how the St. Paul Ordway has landed Spamalot for their 07 season. I am super pissed that I missed out on this when it played in Chicago a while back, I can only pray that Tim Curry will still be a part of it. And you have to love how they talk about it being a homecoming of sorts because of Minnesota's clam to fame for Spam.

As for bowling I will have to make this kind of quick. Dan looked like he might actually bowl well for the night with his first game of 180, but ended up sucking some major balls the rest of the night. Which helped me out because I had been sucking on two balls until dan relieved me of all the work, and let me tell you, thats a lot of work. Sam was once again just some where in the middle of not quite good and not quite bad. We did end up winning one game and overall points for the night, which was nice.

highlights: We got to play against MM. He is by far the best bowler in our league but also one of the coolest old guys I have ever met. Plus he is Irish! We also tied a game which has never happened to us before, so that was cool. As for BBH C of the W 06 I had another nice run of Perfects, this one ending at 4 though.

highlight of today: Our Girl Scout Cookies just showed up! Oh Happy Day!

So, this is how it went down

Bowling: We were bowling against the best guy in our league, a really nice, older guy with an insane amount of bowling background and knowledge. He’s phenomenal. But, his team was out one person (which helped immensely, because he’s really good too). The first game, I bowled a 180, the other two didn’t do so hot, but we still tied them for overall handicap. The second game, I fell apart and dropped 72 pins off my score. The others bowled mediocre games. The third game, we managed to win. Sam bowled a 165, I bowled a 142, and Cigs was still off in I-forgot-how-to-bowl land (but not nearly as bad as my 108). We also won overall handicap points for the night by 4 pins. God, that felt nice.

BBH: Cigs crushed us. He had 4 perfects in a row during the second region. Sam and I fought for second place the entire time, and I think he won (I’m actually not very sure who won, which is rather funny, seeing as it was neck-to-neck by the end).

Highlights: Sam was the only one to get a turkey. Dude next to us picked up a 6-7 split.

awesome

Neil Gaiman posted about this today. Go to this web site now. It's the coolest thing ever. Look at animation number 5 under videos. I really need to win the lottery so I can build my house.

Side note--I got up today at 7, drug my ass out of bed, showered and went to class only to find out that the prof wasn't feeling to well so he stayed home. Just grand. I need a drink...

gots to love the nofx

So this has to be one of the best things ever. I am sure not a lot of you that read this are really into NOFX at all but trust me when I say you have to listen to this song. Ok, just do it, don't argue, just listen to it. The song will be released on their new EP coming out March 14th entitled Never Trust A Hippy, oh August 8th.

This is all I've got

Here's an article/interview with Terry Gilliam up on the BBC news webpage.

Also, I should have linked to this a while ago, but the new Mark Z. Danielewski forums are up, expanding for Only Revolutions, which, by the way, has three, yes three, colors in its title. He's insane.

And fresh off of imdb, Kid Rock apparently is attempting to halt the release of a sex tape that involves four girls, the former lead-man from Creed, and himself. My question is, who the hell would want to watch that?

Chips + Trivia ≠ Awesome

At some point, I’ll stop linking to Lore Sjöberg’s articles as they come out on Wired, but not anytime soon. The new article is about the ingenious inventions in the food industry. I actually had heard of a few of these, and one, the Pringles Prints, won one of Prepared Foods’ Spirit of Innovation Awards in retail. What I don’t understand is how, when the rest of the industries are flying high with technological advancements (have you seen some of the stuff to come out of CES?), how the food industry is so terrible at it? Great, now we have triva on potato chips, we have microwaveable pizzas. I don’t want to learn something when eating potato chips; I want my overall food experience to be better (not really, I just want food to be as cool as the newest phones). I want bananas already injected with delicious creamy peanut butter. Sure, I want microwaveable pizzas, but I want them to cook through and through and I want them to taste like oven-baked pizzas, or better yet, have them taste like home-made pizzas. I want a genetically engineered apple that tastes even better than the Honeycrisp. I want coffee that doesn’t get cold and ice cream that doesn’t melt. I want the everlasting gobstopper (if computer technology can steal their innovations from sci-fi movies/books, the food industry ought to be able to steal their ideas from candy movies/books). I want anything that isn’t a potato chip telling me what the capitol of Kentucky is. If next year's award for innovation goes to glow in the dark advertising on any type of fruit, I'm having a hunger strike.

spoofs

This will be short but worth it. If you get a chance watch this "trailer" for Star Wars: The Empire Brokeback. There are some really good bits. The Star Trek one is awesome to. Even if you didn't like Brokeback Mountain (which I did) you have to be happy about all the funny spoofs its brought on.

Also I just watched the movie Bad Timing and it was really damn good. If you haven't seen it you should.

FD2 on WB + trailers

During a night of horrible television, hope comes from a place least expected: the WB. Sure, I could watch women's figure skating, but personally I'd rather be watching some skeleton or curling or really anything other than women's figure skating (barring ice dancing...I did watch some of that, and dear god was that terrible). I could also be watching American Idol, but I'd rather stab myself in the throat. So, much to my joy, I found out that the WB was playing FD2, or Final Destination 2 for those not into abbreviations.

Now, I thought I had seen this. I'm pretty damn sure I've seen the first one. But, after watching the awesome opening death sequence (chock full of explosions, bad acting, and I'm sure, had it not been on a primetime "network," loads of violence), I'm thinking: "I don't think I've seen this before." So, I sit and watch and laugh my ass off. I imagine it was a rather difficult movie to adapt for television. It was much like my experience of watching The Big Lebowski on TV...almost as hilarious as the original, but in a much different way. The TV version of FD2 did lack, however, the most important part of a film in this genre...the violence. The only benefit was the one time they translated "Jesus Christ" into "Judas Priest." And to all the metal fans out there, Isn't that just as blasphemous? I will say, however, that the ending scene in the movie really makes it worth watching the whole thing. Out of typical thriller/horror melodrama comes an absurd, slapstick, abrupt end to the movie...and it made me laugh the hardest.

In other news: There's a new trailer up for Richard Linklater's upcoming A Scanner Darkly. Although I'm skeptical about Keanu Reeves, I think rotoscoping can mask his horrible acting abilities...

And this is more for the Eddie Izzard fanclub, but he's a voice in an upcoming animated movie called The Wild, and sure it looks like Madagascar 2, but this time its got a transvestite comedian playing a koala. I'm totally seeing it.

PS: Now that FD2 and Boston Legal are over I'm watching women's figure skating as I write this. Don't judge. It's either this or Geraldo at large.

Hermaphrodites and Vampires in one post!

Whb over at Pandas has already linked to this article in McSweeneys…The Five Most Dangerous Children's Books Ever Written, According to Sean Hannity…but damn if it isn’t funny enough for me to link to it too. Also, I’m going to do something he didn’t do: quote the article in my post:

It should also be noted that Twain, who invented cancer and hates puppies, is not even using his real name. Samuel Clemens, wherever you're hiding, if you have any integrity, you will appear on my show and defend your irrational and unpatriotic beliefs.

I just really love this headline: "James Bond Loses His Teeth, Gets Defended By Dracula"

And in unfortunate videogame news, the launch of the PS3 may be delayed. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time, I may have to purchase a Revolution to hold me over.

Finally, in TV updates, House last night was pretty awesome. It was about a 15 year old super model, heroin addict, who sexed her way up to the top, only to find out at the end that she was also a he…that’s right boys and girls, a hermaphrodite. How unfortunate for her/his father who slept with her/him.

bowling...

It being President’s Day today, the bowling alley was filled with annoying high school kids, large families with very young children, and more drunk assholes than usual. It didn’t seem to bother me, as I still bowled two 180 games, two 170 games, and a 160-something. It should also be noted that I had 8 turkey opportunities, but no turkeys.

Cigs had a few high games, but didn’t manage to beat my 188. Craig also had a few games, but I don’t remember his scores. Sam was too busy playing with his new phone to really pay attention to bowling, so instead he just laughed at everyone when they didn’t get a strike…he did this the ENTIRE night, which he thought was hilarious.

BBH was all right, but mostly we were tired. Cigs got first, I got second, Sam got third, and Craig finished last.

CC is not a good sub.

So last night bitch Dan messed up our whole night. First of all he wasn't there for dinner so me and ciggy just ended up walking over to the China resturant to get take-out. Then the OC wasnt on and Craig Christ was there (which was fun to have him come out). For some reson we didn't drink much before which I belive lead to a shitty night of bowling. The first 2 games were not good and I'm not going to talk about them. In the last game we decided that we wanted to have fun so we were just going to kick eachothers asses and not worry about the other team. We even made a bet. The loser had to buy a round of shots and 2nd place had to buy the round of beers. In the 9th CC was up 10 pins over me and 8 over Ciggy. Those two were leading into the 10th with strikes and I had a spare. It turned out that I was the only one who marked and I ended with a 147 and those two tied at a 145. Pretty fun game and we beat the other team as well. They decided to break the tie with a 1 frame bowl off. Ciggy got a 9 and then picked it up and CC got a 7 and then 1.

BBH was good. We played the South and then just one round of the south west. I won both.

Highlight-I was down on Ciggy by 1100ish going into the last bonus round in the south west and I got a perfect/perfect to win by 67.

I also YS a Ded the most

CC had the most B's

Yes!

Terry Gilliam Your film will be 43% romantic, 55% comedy, 45% complex plot, and a $ 49 million budget.

Filmography: The Brothers Grimm, Monty Python and The Holy Grail, The Fisher King, Time Bandits, Brazil, 12 Monkeys, Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas. Gilliam is notorious for his angry outbursts to studio executives and production shutdowns when told he has to compromise his vision. So if while making the film about your life he wants chicken-headed fighter pilots flying large time-release capsules that drop foam-rubber knee pads onto your reunion family picnic, you better let him lest you get nothing done at all. In the end, however, the movie will be a fantastic cult classic. Good luck.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 13% on action-romance You scored higher than 98% on humor You scored higher than 80% on complexity You scored higher than 96% on budget

Link: The Director Who Films Your Life Test

More firefly references

Wired pulls through again:

My much-linked-to-columnist Lore Sjöberg has a new article up. As this blog is often about television and other entertainment mediums, I think its fair to give someone who has not watched TV for the past five years a chance to speak. That’s what Sjöberg has done. He hung up his TiVo, got rid of cable, and has probably never seen an episode of The OC. He lists things he’s missed out on and his misconceptions thereof, such as:

I also hear that there's something called Firefly, which is either a canceled science-fiction television show or a new religion, I'm not clear on that. Either way, prayers for the resurrection are involved.

I think both Sam and I can agree with his closing sentiments: "Accordingly, I pledge to watch whatever dreck pastes itself to my television screen. Reality dating shows! Soap operas! Sci Fi Channel original horror movies where the monster is clearly a latex pencil topper from a vending machine! I'm not content to live in this culture; I'm going to wallow in it." Thanks Lore, I'll be there with you in my non-cable, antenna, TV-watching frenzy.

Also: There’s an interesting article about Coast to Coast, a radio show I frequently listen to on my way back from bowling in the late hours of the evening, up on Wired. Its on AM 1500 in case you wanted to tune in. I don’t think it starts until midnight or 1am.

best sci-fi crew ever

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children comes out in the US in April. Looks good.

Me and Ciggy are going up to St. Cloud on friday to attend a Q and A with Kevin Smith. If anyone wants to go buy your tickets online ($5) and let us know.
Update-Ciggy is a bitch and doesn't want to go so now I have an extra ticket.

Take this quiz and see which Sci-Fit crew you would be in.

This what I got...

Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile II: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? (pics)
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Serenity (Firefly). You like to live your own way and don't enjoy when anyone but a friend tries to tell you should do different. Now if only the Reavers would quit trying to skin you.

Yes I rock!!!

VP YSaH'd or the Vice President Shot a Human

Last week we missed out on our sunday night bowling, which I believe lead us to a pretty forgettable thursday. (side note: we have yet to make mention of the awesome OC episode last week and by all means it made thursday an ok day, even with the shitty bowling.) So in light of that we made up for not bowling last sunday by bowling pretty good last night. All of us, including Craig had at least one game in the 170's, Dan actually had a couple. Sam and I both hit it big with games of 190 and 194 respectively, towards the end of the night Craig lost his manhood some where and forgot how to bowl, but I won't go into details for his sake.

highlights: there was a big group of people there and we only got a lane because we are regulars, this sounds bad, but we actually didn't have any problems with the crowd, to me thats kind of unusual. Sticking with unusual, it was also cosmic bowling but for some reason we didn't seem to mind that either, Mermaids setup is actually kind of cool. Also Craig had two turkeys in one game.
lowlights: Craig and I getting our asses handed to us all night, there were a couple of close ones but all in all it didn't go very well for the two of us. Also our bartender wasn't there and we got douchy McDoucheDouche, who also informed us that they are getting rid of their $2 beer special, bitches!

For this week and maybe only this week you're lookin at the BBH 06 C of the W K. That K is for King, don't you forget it. Thats right, to start the hunting off I killed me 21 Big Bucks plus had a PP on the bonus round. With the lead I got from that it was clear sailing to an easy victory. Craig is starting to get good, I don't think he YSaD'd until the third round, actually I don't think any of us did till the third round.

highlights: My perfect streak of 7, man did it feel good.

pederast

Maddox just added a new post after a long break. I think you should all go look at it.
Take the quiz. I got a C. Not so good. I guess I have to watch my back. If you are ones of those people that have never looked at his page (ciggy) I suggest you spend some time there this week.
Try these spots--
Kill like a man
5 Movies
Oil Change
and the classics-
Love your kids?
Suicide

Limp Wristed Boy Wins At Bowling!...

...for the first game. Sam, with his injured wrist, somehow still beat both Ciggy and me with a 165. I had a 71 in the 7th frame, but still pulled off a 149. Ciggy didn’t do as well. The second game, Sam’s wrist apparently got to him, as he didn’t bowl as well. I bowled a 170, and I have no idea what the other two bowled, but it wasn’t awesome. The third game we actually won. Sam had told us that Ciggy and I needed to bowl 170s, and he was going to bowl a 150. So, I held up my end of the deal and bowled a 189; Sam bowled a 150-something, and Ciggy fell short.

Highlights of the Evening: Cigs picked up a 7-5 split, I picked up a 1-2-4-10 setup, and Sam picked up the Diamond + 10 setup. As for things non-bowling, BBH was a mess. I was terrible, Sam was slapping people, and I think I threatened his life at one point. I don’t even know what Ciggy was doing.

every one needs a neighbor

I have been introduced to the new greatest game ever, at least for a console and for the time being. About a month ago John and Casi (my roommates) acquired a xbox, but until now we have had nothing to play on it. So my Neighbor came over the other night and brought with him pure xbox gold: Cabela's Dangerous Hunts. In order to play the game it was meant to be played you need to have patience, slowing moving along the ground and taking an Elk down from 60 yards away, not having it charge at you and hitting it 6 times with your hand gun. Also while running around after animals mountain Lions will jump on you from a top of rocks, wolves will hunt you down in packs and bears, well, they just do their kill you thing. They only thing missing from this game is a bright orange shotgun, but maybe that will come latter. Also I have just found out there is a Cabela's Dangerous Hunts II but sadly it sounds like the took a turn for the worse with this one.

Neil Gaiman News + Lore Sjöberg

Neil Gaiman has some interesting news up on his journal. Aint it Cool News has an article about visiting the production site of Beowulf. After not knowing anything about how this was going to pan out, especially with all the recent false gossip, this really shed some light on how this movie’s going to look next year.

He also has his amazon.com profile up. I imagine it’d be hard to come up with your top 5 favorite books, movies, and CDs, but he gave it a good shot. Nice to see Brazil on that list.

Also: This guy is becoming my favorite internets columnist to read. His name is Lore Sjöberg, he writes for wired, and he’s hilarious. I linked to a story of his on pandas a while ago about what to do in message boards/blogs if you don’t have an opinion. His sarcasm was beautiful. Well, today he’s spun an article about how he’s going to explain away his google searches if, in fact, the government appropriates them. Here’s a taste of him explaining away “yellowcake uranium.”

This is absolutely not an indication that I've been trying to broker purchases of uranium between various rogue states. Rather, I was just trying to look up an old friend from high school, Yellowcake Uranium Steinberg. Her parents were hippies. Hippie physicists. This explanation also applies to my other high-school friends, Anthrax Bacillus Cooper and Weapons-Grade Fissile Material Smith.

Awesome.

Izzard TV

I’m rather busy this week, so updates will be few and far between. Fortunately, two other people can post. So stop bitching already.

However, this makes me wish I had cable even more: Eddie Izzard with a co-leading role on a TV show. Awesome. If only Minnie Driver weren't in it.

Adventures of Herzog

This is great: Werner Herzog apparently pulled Joaquin Phoenix from a car crash. I just love the quote, "There's something so calming and beautiful about Werner Herzog's voice. I felt completely fine and safe. I climbed out. I got out of the car and I said, 'Thank you,' and he was gone." Herzog is now a superhero. I hope this causes him to contemplate the nature of chaos.

Also: I hate the font Arial, but the others looked to close to the default.

WH to TN or What Happened to Thursday Nights?

From the title you can probably figure out that we haven't quite got back to form yet. Last week we only won one game, this week...zero. I bowled like, actually I don't think what I was doing is considered bowling, low game of the night with 120. Dan started off a little slow but came up with a big 205 in the second game, which we still didn't win seeing that Sam and I were off in bum-fucking-egypt somewhere. Sam was a little closer to home then me by bowling an unrememberable, average, but not good average, night.

Highlights : Dan’s 205. It’s his highest game ever so if you see him any time soon give the man a pat on the back. He didn’t have a single open frame that game either. Also the guy next to us threw his ball backwards, I think Dan was a little relieved to see that it happens to other people too.

So how to make up for sucking at bowling? BBH 06 C of the W sounds pretty good. The first region, Northeast, did not help me forget about bowling. Dan actually figured out how to kill bucks and not YS a D all the time and pretty much kicked ass. Sam and I battled for the second spot down to the wire, in the end my outstanding perfect/perfect on the easy as hell jackalopes bonus clinched it for me. Of coarse that was after I had made, and lost, the YS a D bet. First two shots are on me boys! The second region, Canada, helped me put evil bowling memories behind by kicking Dan and Sam’s asses back to the SA.

Highlights : The fact that I can’t really remember the second region of BBH. I am almost sure that I won, but I could be way off. That hasn’t happened too me in a while, at least not on a Thursday night. I do remember getting a couple perfects though, so Dan and Sam can’t tell me I was awful.

really good movie news

Few new things about Grind from IGN. It is the new double feature from Tarantino and Rodriguez. "Rodriguez's segment will be called Planet Terror – 's a zombie flick – and Tarantino's is a slasher film called Death Proof. Both will be shot in the style of '70s exploitation films".
"The film will feature fake trailers created by the two directors that will run in the middle of the films as intermission."
"Variety adds that Tarantino's latest idea is a trailer for a sexploitation movie titled Cowgirls in Sweden."
Sounds pretty damn cool if you ask me. It is set to come out in September.

"Imagine a dozen or more Borat HBO skits strung together with scripted plot in between to weave it all together and that's pretty much the gist of the movie." Thats right people a Borat movie. God I can't wait. Read a bunch more about it here.

"Yakshemash! In US of A, if you want to marry a girl, you cannot just go to her father and swap her for 15 gallons of pesticide. Here you have to do something called dating. I find out more. Chenkuye. " -Borat

Dead-pan comedy + news

So, I'm not entirely sure if it's worth the $32, but Steven Wright is going to be at the Fitzgerald theatre on March 25. Wright is hilarious and fantastically dry, but I should have caught him last year when he was actually touring with people. Tickets go on sale tomorrow (Saturday) at noon...I guess I'll have to decide by then. Oh, and bm_oran, you can't come until you pay me back for Stephen Lynch.

And, sadly, it was discovered that the prehistoric "ice-man" was infertile. That might explain why he "almost certainly died as a result of a fight. " I'm guessing his bitch wife did it when she discovered that she couldn't have any ice-babies.

Don't like your career? I'd suggest making a switch. It's what Pro-Tennis player David Kinnaird is doing. He's giving up tennis, and picking up...videogames? In all fairness, I'm pretty sure tennis and Quake IV are very similar.

And finally, making big-budget movies like Die Another Day doesn't mean that you can't be a dragged out prostitute.

Thanks to BBC News for making my morning awesome.

Masters of the Universe

I would just like to inform the general public that Ciggy has now joined Bitches on Boats. The Sebulski family is now complete and when our powers unite greatness is sure to follow. I would like everyone to give a warm welcome to the new Bitch

PS- now 80% of the people that read this blog are now able to post on it as well.

the end

Zombie Uncle Sam can teach us a lot about war. I want you...dead.

New Neil Gaiman site up today. It looks pretty good.

Dark Crystal 2 is about a girl made out of fire who steals a shard of the crystal to try to reigniting they dying sun. It's going to be more "sin city" style...

If you go here you can buy staps for Valentine's Day with celebrity kisses on them. They have people like Gene Simmons and dogs like Benji. The reason for posting this is that Rachel Bilson also has one. I'm going to order a few let me know if you want one.

On a personal note- today is the first day of the last semester of my school life. Thank god its almost over...I need a drink.